There's No Such Thing Called Love
“Is that a lie?”
“Yeah. That’s definitely a lie.”
Hujan turun cukup deras sore hari itu. Lebih dari cukup untuk meredam suara isakan pemuda yang sedang duduk memeluk kedua lututnya di ranjang, dengan wajah menghadap jendela.
Ah, tidak. Pemuda itu tak lagi terisak. Hanya air mata yang dia biarkan mengalir begitu saja dari mata cantiknya. Air mata itu pun sama sekali tak punya niat untuk menghentikan diri agar tidak lagi keluar dari mata pemiliknya.
“If everything ended up like this, why..”
“…why did you tell me all those words? Made me believe that you’ll never leave me.”
“Why did you make me believe that love exists?”
“Bullshit. Everything’s bullshit. Love is bullshit. There’s no such thing called love. You just liked me, put your interest on me, cared for me because you looked up on me. That’s it. No more. And I was the same.”
Mulut pemuda itu kembali bergetar, menandakan isakan pelan keluar darinya. Tangannya terulur untuk mengusap embun pada kaca jendela kamarnya. Tangan kurus itu sedikit bergetar.
Dingin, tak ada lagi kehangatan yang menyelimutinya. Tak ada lagi tangan yang selalu menggenggamnya setiap saat.
Joy, sadness, fear, in every situation, he would hold his hand warmly. To make sure he felt safe and not alone.
Tapi sekarang itu semua tak ada artinya lagi. Megumi tak lagi percaya dengan perasaan cinta.
“He never cheated on me. He is a good guy.”
Hyunjin duduk sendiri pada kursi belajar di kamarnya. Sebuah cermin dia hadap, dia menatap dirinya sendiri.
‘Then why you ‘hate’ him?’ Hati Hyunjin berbicara, seolah sedang menanyai dirinya sendiri.
“I told you, he made me believe that love exists. Nyatanya, hal itu tidak benar. He lied to me,” sisi hati Hyunjin yang lain menjawab.
Ada sebuah buku diary dengan lembaran yang kosong terbuka di hadapannya. Tangannya meraih bolpoin pada keranjang alat tulis, mulai menuliskan beberapa kalimat pada kertas kosong itu.
*‘About one and a half year ago, we were total strangers. But then we attend in a same club. The club had about 11 guys, including me and him. Even tho he wasn’t the leader of that club, but he was so charming. I could feel his charisma. He was so good towards everyone. That’s why a lot of people like him. Unlike me, I was more quiet and basically didn’t care about my surroundings.’
‘One day, he approached me. I was a bit flustered because he was rather flirty and I was a bit scared of him because I found it a bit creepy. He also did a lot of stupid things that later I found that kinda cute.’
Hyunjin tersenyum tipis. Dia berhenti menulis sejenak, membiarkan dirinya tenggelam dalam memorinya.
‘I was cold towards him but he didn’t stop. He kept trying, until one day he confessed to me. I was so shock- no, it was more like I didn’t believe it that a person like him, a charming guy, a guy who had everything, surrounded by people who adore him, he chose to confessed his feeling towards me.’
‘Out of thousands people around him, he chose me.'
Hyunjin berhenti menulis untuk kedua kalinya. Air mata mengalir lagi dari matanya. Beberapa tetes air mata itu mengenai kertas yang dia hadap.
“Why me?”
“What kind of stupid question is that? I chose you, Jinnie. That’s what my heart wants,” dia menjawab pertanyaanku dengan senyuman nakal khas miliknya.
“But still, why me? What makes you chose me?” Aku bertanya lagi, karena jujur saja aku masih belum percaya dengan fakta bahwa dia sudah menjadi milikku saat itu.
“Mmm, no specific reason. I just, come on, Jinnie. Why don’t you get it? You’re the only one my heart wants. Don’t ask me why again, okay? I just love you. I love everything about you and I felt like I need to make a move before someone else take you.”
Jawaban itu terdengar begitu tulus. Hingga jantungku berdebar kencang. Begitu kencang hingga aku dapat mendengar detak jantungku sendiri.
Kemudian dia memelukku.
“The fact that now you’re mine, I feel like I won the whole world. I feel like I’m one of the luckiest guy in the world now. I love you so much, Jinnie.”
Dengan kalimat-kalimat itu, pertahananku runtuh. Sejak saat itu, aku memutuskan untuk memberikan diriku seutuhnya untuknya.
Both my heart and my body.
‘Channie, I’m all yours. You own all of me,’ that’s what I always told him since then.
Hyunjin menangis lagi. Kini semakin kencang. Namun saat ini tak ada hujan yang meredam suara isakannya. Dengan begitu, isak tangisnya terdengar menggema memenuhi kamarnya yang kosong dan dingin.
Yang itu tadi merupakan memori Hyunjin dengan Chan, mantan kekasihnya. Tidak peduli seberapa kuat dia mencoba untuk melupakannya, membuang pikiran-pikiran itu dari otaknya, Chan tidak bisa.
“Baby, I wonder how are you feeling right now. Do you ever miss me like I miss you? Do you ever think about me again just like how I always think about you? Do you suffer like I do? Or is it just me?” Gumamnya lirih.
“I miss you, crazy bastard. Don’t you know? I miss you like crazy. Do you know that I feel like I want to bang my head real hard on the wall because of how bad I want you to be here with me!”
“I…,” Hyunjin menjatuhkan dirinya di lantai.
“I can’t live without you..,” isaknya lirih.
“Hold me again.. hold my hand.. embrace me.. I’m suffering so much, don’t you know.. but if you come and hold me again, maybe I will be fine..”
Hyunjin tahu dia harus melupakan semuanya. Mengharapkan mantan kekasihnya kembali, dia tahu betul itu hanya akan membuang-buang waktu dan tenaganya.
Tetapi sekali lagi, tidak peduli seberapa kuat Hyunjin mencoba, dia tetap tidak bisa. Dia tak tahu lagi harus berbuat apa selain tenggelam di dalam kenangan-kenangan manis namun pahit itu.
Hari itu, Hyunjin kembali membuka buku diarynya. Dia berniat untuk melanjutkan apa yang dia tulis beberapa hari lalu. Lembaran itu dia buka. Beberapa tinta hitam mengabur, berubah menjadi ungu karena terkena air matanya.
‘He gave me everything. He supported me physically, mentally, and even financially. He bought me best presents. He treated me like I’m a diamond.’
‘We didn’t care about anything else. The world was ours. No, it was more like we built our own world so that we could live and shine the way we wanted.’
‘It was so perfect that I couldn’t see anything else. He was the only one I could see in my eyes.’
‘But as human, both of us aren’t perfect. Time goes by, I got to know that he actually has anger management issue. I never knew that because he was so calm and sweet towards me. Sometimes, even he would do something stupid to make me laugh.’
‘He always wanted honesty. And the problem is, I couldn’t really be honest because I was scared I would hurt his feeling. And I knew he would get mad either if I hurt him or when he found out that I lied. I was confused, to be honest.’
‘But I thought, it was nothing compared to what he suffered. He once told me that he didn’t mean to be rude towards me when he got mad. Yes, I completely understand, it was because of his unstable mental state. So I tried my best to bear it and calm him down.’
‘But time went by, things got more complicated than I thought. He became more unreadable to the point that I started to get tired of the way he acted.’
‘We used to always had a way to fix things we broke. But—’
Hyunjin meletakkan bolpoinnya. Tangannya bergetar. Dia menunduk.
Bagian ini, bagian yang paling menyakitkan. Bagian yang tidak ingin dia ingat, bagian yang ingin dia buang jauh-jauh dari pikirannya. Tapi kemudian dia raih kembali bolpoinnya.
‘—but that day, it just didn’t work. We both exploded. He was tired, and so did I. We both tired of relationship that I refused to believe it started to become toxic.’
‘It was all fine. I didn’t know why it turned to be like that.’
‘We didn’t talk and see each other for more than a week. I was to scared to approach him first, even tough I knew I need to do that because all that time he was the one who always approached me first. But once again, I was too scared of his response. Beside that, I was to tired. I tried my best to understand his situation, but he would often got mad.’
‘When he back to his ‘sanity’, he would blame himself. He broke down, he would hurt himself. He would punch and kick everything he saw. Wall, tree, chair and table,’
‘It’s so fucking hurt to see him like that. I was so scared.’
Tangan Hyunjin terlihat sedikit ragu untuk menuliskan kalimat selanjutnya.
‘Until one day, he said to me we can’t be any longer together. He said he can’t keep hurting me because of his issues. Also he is way older than me so we have pretty different way of thinking. When he said that, it was the end of me. I felt like I fall to the deepest darkest pit.’
‘But I thought about again. How would our relationship turn out if we keep it up. We both were tired. So, an ending is the best, even I clearly didn’t want it.’
‘So I didn’t refuse. I said yes. Without hesitation, just like how I say yes when he asked me to be his boyfriend.’
‘We ended for the sake of our best. I thought that at first. But days passed by, I became a mess. I just..’
Hyunjin menoleh ke arah jendela karena mendengar suara air yang mengenai permukaan benda-benda di luar sana. Ya, hujan turun lagi. Megumi diam menatap hujan untuk beberapa menit.
‘…Channie, I can’t leave without you.’
Hyunjin berjalan menyusuri pantai sendirian. Sebenarnya dia datang bersama orang tuanya, namun dia memilih untuk berjalan-jalan sendirian sementara orang tuanya belanja souvenir.
Hyunjin suka pantai. Berbeda dengan Chan yang lebih menyukai pegunungan.
Ah, Chan lagi. Apa pun yang Hyunjin lihat, hanya akan mengingatkannya pada Chan.
Tapi paling tidak Hyunjin merasa jauh lebih damai sekarang.
‘Brat, I hope you’re doing well. I hope your mental state gets better so you won’t suffer so much,’ Hyunjin berkata dalam hati.
Pemuda itu melihat ke bawah ketika sebuah benda keras membentur kaki telanjangnya dengan pelan. Sebuah cangkang kerang yang cukup besar dengan warna putih dan oranye muda.
Cantik, Hyunjin tersenyum. Dia pun berjongkok dan memungut kerang itu. Dia amati sebentar, kemudian dia letakkan lagi ke gelombang ombak yang membawa kerang itu kembali ke lautan.
‘Aku akan berusaha untuk melepasmu mulai sekarang. Susah, akan sangat susah. Tetapi aku tak mau lagi menjadi egois.’
‘Good bye, brat. Now I'll really set you free. I’ll erase everything about us from my mind.’
'Because there's no such thing called love.'